inTERRYgation: The Last American Story

Cade Stone, Staff Writer

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

Cade Stone: Mr. Terry, it’s been brought to my attention that you own a hat. Did you have a license for that bad boy?

Kevin Terry: No comment.

CS: I’m very VERY afraid of grapes. Every time I see them, I pee myself. I need to overcome this fear, not just for my sake, but for the sake of my baby sister who loves grapes. Thoughts?

KT: I think if  your baby sister will take about 1,000 grapes, and one at a time and hit you right in the face over and over again. I think your fear will subside eventually.  

CS: I heard you don’t know the difference between a chimpanzee and a leopard. Why are grapes so scary?

KT: Most grapes, as you know, they grew upside down. I think as humans we’re not used to that. And so we’re, like, scared of what we don’t understand. Which is why we’re scared of grapes.

CS: How was your May Day? Did ya get what you wanted from Prince Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum? 

KT: I think legally I’m not allowed to address this. So I’m gonna have to plead the fifth on this one for my lawyers request.

CS: I have two tickets for Toni Basil, also known as the 80’s biggest one hit wonder for her record smashing song, “Mickey.” Care to join?

KT: Yeah I know her. “Mickey, you’re so fine, you blow my mind, hey hey Mickey.” Wow. So you’re officially inviting me? When is it?

CS: Yeah I am. Next Tuesday.

KT: Does sound fun. Let me check with my my booking agent. See what we can do?

CS: Thinking about starting a club where we walk around the school and steal random things, i.e. I stole your heart. Can you sponsor it?

KT: Already do.

CS: So, you play guitar? You think you’re cool or something? 

KT: I’m terrible at guitar. And I do not look cool at all.

CS: How do mirrors work? I’m so confused, and you seem decently smart since you teach physics. 

KT: I have no idea how mirrors work. They terrify me.

CS: You yoga, dawg?

KT: Of course, who doesn’t? 

CS: If you were to run against the teachers in the school from the entrance to the gym, do you think you would win, and why?

KT: I mean, I might. I might beat a few teachers, but most of them: no. I’m not really good at running. 

CS: Sometimes I think about the fact you’re afraid of the dark, and I laugh uncontrollably for hours on end.

KT: You should discuss this with your therapist. Maybe bring it up for your next session.

CS: If you were a supervillain, you would be either the Joker or L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology.

KT: Mentally, [I’m] Joker on this one. That other guy terrifies me. That Scientology guy. He’s nuts.

CS: Final question–a big one. You gonna miss me, big dawg? Oh, and also, why do you keep burning down fire stations? I understand the irony, but why do it? I keep my family in those things; I’m scared for their life now.

KT: Unlike a lot of sports that I understand, irony kind of guides my life really? My life purpose is irony. And yes, of course I’m gonna miss you.