Attention all Heritage High School students,

The board of administration has come to the conclusion that there are just too many strange things going on and has decided that the school needs to close. It all started over the summer. The smell of manure was strong around these parts for years, so the school invited some farmers from close by to bring their cattle to the academic courtyard to assist in an observation of the cows as a project for APES. Ever since then, there have been cows mysteriously showing up throughout the building, even though the project finished in August. First, there was a bull in the media center, and, next, a calf in an empty tuba cubby in the band room. Just last week, one was in the counselor’s office as well.

The next strange thing to occur was in September when Mrs. Hayen was taking her class out to Lake Heritage to do some tests on the narwhal that showed up last year. Unfortunately, the narwhal bit Mrs. Hayen’s arm, and she was hospitalized for a month from a disease, known as Narwhaldism, spread from the incident.

From all of the rain we got in November, the ceiling started to sag inward, and water leaked all throughout the school, causing kids to slip and fall on their way to classes. There is mold everywhere these days, and it’s really unhealthy for the cows. There’s mold all in the carpets of the media center, and gross bugs came with the mold. This closing has been a long time coming. Hopefully it can be taken care of before next year, or the school will be closed for good. In the meantime, students should enroll in other schools or sign up for homeschooling by next week. You could always drop out if you choose.