Santa Claus Is Coming To… Jail?

Gavin Anchondo, Staff Writer

Every year people everywhere fall victim to a horrendous villain. They have hope for something great but they get left with a rock instead. If this wasn’t enough, his face is plastered for months for everyone to see and be reminded of. Well this year I say no more. It’s time we put this man away once and for all. I think it’s about time for Santa to pay for his crimes. Together America can put him away once and for all. The evidence is all here and it’s time for action.

First off, Santa has gotten away with more cases of breaking and entering than anyone else in history. You think Santa would get the idea from my doors and windows being locked that I don’t want visitors while I’m sleeping. Instead he just swooped down the chimney and stole my food that I left out for the morning when I woke up. If that wasn’t enough, he is definitely in violation of disturbing the peace. The giant crash on my roof of a sleigh and all those reindeer are definitely not giving me a silent night. On the topic of that sleigh, my neighbor recently got a drone and it was pretty high tech. It was registered by the FAA and went through many different inspections and other processes before it was able to reach him. Well I can almost one hundred percent guarantee you that Santa has never registered his sleigh or had any flight plans made with the FAA. On top of that is the fact of his extremely reckless driving. Everybody knows he’s going all over the world so that means he’s going at least 650 mph. I don’t know about your neighborhood but that is definitely not OK in mine. 

When looking at this from a different perspective, people see that Santa also breaks a whole different set of laws. With millions of toys needed, those elves are seriously being over worked for no pay. Good old Kris Kringle is in violation of breaking labor laws. The least he can do is provide dental. Speaking of toys, how does Santa knows what kids want? How does he know who is naughty or nice? Well with most young people being on devices 24/7 now, evidence shows that he must be a computer hacker. He uses all your information to find out just what he is looking for. To top it all off, he has issues with property damage. Every winter, thousands of Americans have to deal with roof shingles and other problems on the top of their homes. Coincidence? I think not.

So to all Americans, help stand up for yourself this year. Step up and don’t allow yourself to be a victim anymore. Spread the word to others and let them no that we can take this jolly man in the red suit to justice!