InTERRYgation: Freshly Reborn

The time machine has returned. Leather sets, cup holders, bluetooth… it’s heaven. (If you are confused read this.) Shane Morehead stepped out handing me the classified information. A new Mr.Terry walks out, freshly reborn. He came from the year 3008; he is not 2000-late. I needed to talk to this Mr. Terry. After a grueling 6 months of trying to contact him, I finally got Ye West to set up a meeting between us. What you are now about to read is an expert from the secret interview I conducted with him. 

Cade Stone: How’s the weather up there, Jolly Green Giant?

Coach Terry: Slow, crisp and cool this morning. At least it is not windy.

CS: George Washington’s force ghost is visiting you to tell you an ancient prophecy about the General Saber hidden within the walls of the school, but you must prepare a feast for him. What do you cook?

CT: Beans and cornbread? Obviously.

CS: A haiku is a Japanese style poetry consisting of 5 syllables, then 7 syllables, finishing with 5 syllables; where were you when Obama was elected?

CT: I can’t remember. I think it was at home. We’ll call it Ringgold, Georgia.

CS: A giant bee has kidnapped your family and is holding them at sting-point. You have a brick and a spark plug. What do you do?

CT: Throw the spark plug. The brick is too heavy.

CS: The ocean calls me nightly to throw car batteries into it. Thoughts?

CT: Terrible for the environment. Can’t be good. All that acid leaking into the ocean.

CS: There’s a man in the US who has been eating a Big Mac every single day since he was young. What fast food menu item would you want to eat one of every day for the rest of your life?

CT: Oh, wow. What about the kickin’ chicken sandwich over at Zaxbys. That’s pretty awesome. It’s a little messy, but delicious.

CS: How many napkins would you need?

CT: That’s gonna be at least a 12-napkin sammich right there.

CS: Legend has it that there’s monkeys in the wall of your classroom; can you comment on that?

CT: I’m not sure if it’s monkeys, some kind of primate. Sometimes to me it sounds like a village of Wookies arguing with one another. So I’m not sure exactly if it’s monkeys or what.

CS: Can you count to seven without crying? I can’t. 

CT: I’m not sure if I can make it, not today.

CS: If bugs were hypothetically your children for one night, would you tuck your wasp son in?

CT: Tough call. Man. That might just be like a good night from the door and turn the light off.

CS: Hats were banned in the USSR. Why does communism hate hats?

CT: I don’t know. I thought they like those big furry ones.

CS: Those are beavers.

CT: Communists hate a lot of sensible things. 

CS: Do you like hats?

CT: No. I like hats. 

CS: Would you wear a hat?

CT: I would.

CS: Lunch Boxes were invented to keep cold things cold while also holding workers’ lunches for them. Why do some of them keep warm things warm? Has human intervention of the natural world gone too far with this one?

CT: It boggles the mind, really, how something can keep something cold but also keep something hot. I don’t understand the whole physics behind that and the whole vacuum-sealed things nowadays. But it’s a great advancement for the human race. I know that.

CS: There’s a rumor floating about the school that you have former President Ronald Reagan in your ceiling, and he wears nothing but a diaper and survives off the crumbs you drop. How do you respond?

CT: I can neither confirm nor deny. May be dead in my ceiling.

CS: Turkeyism is a serious problem: people eating them, murdering them for no apparent reason. Why?

CT: I don’t know. Does it have something to do with Ben Franklin? I can’t remember. But I know the first Thanksgiving was more like lobsters and oysters or something not like turkey.

That’s a wrap on the 2021 inTERRYgation. Thank you, and enjoy your break.