edited by Connor Harlan, Editor-in-Chief

Questions this month are compliments of Brian Whited, a.k.a. “The Rabbit”

HHS Professor of Verbology and Defense Against Poor Grammar


  1. Do you still beat your pets mercilessly? If yes, why do you continue?  If no, what motivated you to stop?  I tried to stop. I truly did. But then I walked into the garage and noticed that the dog had eaten through the electrical harness of the brake lights on my vehicle. My dog was literally eating my vehicle. He deserved what he got.
  2. ‘Member that one time?  I’ll never forget … but I’ll also never utter a word about it to anyone. So … I’m not sure what you are talking about.
  3. “If the moon were made of green cheese, would you take a bite?” Assuming that humans could one day develop the technology necessary to take humans to the moon, no. I don’t eat green cheese. It would be cool to be the first man on the moon though. I change my answer. If I could be the first human to ever step foot on the moon, I would take a bite of the green cheese.
  4. Dirt. Your thoughts? I used to, but I’ve grown so lazy and apathetic in my advanced age.
  5. Do you ever just wonder sometimes? Never.
  6. On a scale from 1 to triangle unicorn, how would you rate your level of sadness? I’m trying to answer this, but my mind is spinning…trapped in some kind of double negative vortex. Is “1” the saddest? Surely “triangle unicorn” isn’t the saddest. I’m not sure how to approach this one. I’m going to have to alter the scale. If the saddest is a Lake Winnie Carp and the best is no line all day at the Cannonball, I would say that I am somewhere around a “Lake Winnie Funnel Cake” on the sadness scale. (So not very sad.)
  7. Who would be more fun on a date, Marilyn Manson or Charles Manson? Somebody else just asked me this the other day. This is so déjà vu, but the answer is Charles. He’s not quite as scary.
  8. Where do you stand on the issue of chimpanzocide? I’m almost universally opposed to chimpanzocide. They are such fascinating animals. One exception would include any attempt by the creature to eat my vehicle. That’s on Bubbles.
  9. Would you say the importance of a coach in high school has been dramatically overestimated or just overestimated? Just overestimated. The team with the best players usually wins. Besides, you think high school students listen to any one? However, somebody has to fill out all those transportation forms.
  10. When it comes to styling your deep-walnut head-pelf, do you prefer a comb, a brush, or just a warm hand?  Readers must know.  I start with a brush then follow up with a warm hand. (And thanks for noticing.)
  11. Would you rather be a ninja or a really awesome bear? I’ve tried both. Let me tell you, being a ninja is not easy. My ninjacraft needs a lot of work. It’s much more difficult than Jaden Smith and Zendaya make it seem. On the flip side though, bears have a fantastic life. Who doesn’t want to sleep all winter?
  12. How would you describe the color yellow to someone who is deaf? Trick question: it’s impossible. I respectfully disagree. I’m sure that it can be done. It’s not like signing “mystery” or “centripetal force.” You would just tell them that yellow is … um … you know … it’s like … I don’t know. Yeah, you’re right. It can’t be done.
  13. Who would win in a fight between Godzilla (a.k.a. Lizard Meany Hot-mouth) and the color purple? No disrespect to Lizard Meany Hot-mouth, but the color purple would dominate. Members of the purple color family have been the Pantone Color of the Year many times, including 2014’s “Radiant Orchid” and “Marsala” for 2015. Has Godzilla ever been “Lizard of the Year?” Not likely. Plus nobody gets fired up about Lizard of the Year like they do the Pantone Color of the Year.
  14. During your years as a female ventriloquist dummy, was it a confusing time?  Elaborate. It was actually a beautiful time of awakening, enlightenment, and self-discovery. Sure there were many harsh critics and the usual insults: “Look at that Dummy” and “Wouldn’t you rather clean sewer pipes?” But through those years in show biz, I developed toughness and I truly grew as a person. Plus, it prepared me to be a teacher. These kids are harsh critics themselves … and very insulting. They say stuff like “Look at that Dummy” and “Wouldn’t you rather clean sewer pipes?”
  15. Teach me something I wouldn’t already know about you from the extensive files and the wall of pictures I have of you in my root cellar.  You may not know that I am not Wiccan, despite my rather obsessive observance of the moon phases and fascination with the natural world. I don’t know how many pictures you took of me watching the Orionid meteor shower this past week, but you probably assumed I am Wiccan … but I’m not.
  16. If you could take back the time you robbed that old lady at the welfare office, would you?  That was during a very dark period of my life and I do regret that. I did try to apologize to the old lady, but she wouldn’t accept it. She asked me to lean in close to her like she was going to whisper something. I was expecting her to mutter something like “It’s okay. I forgive you.” But as I leaned in next to her, she hit me in the head with her purse (not the purse I stole…a new one I guess). It was heavy. I think she had a whole decade’s worth of food stamps in there. I just pushed her wheelchair over and ran away.
  17. You once said you believed women were “not inferior to men, just less important”; what did you mean by that?  Also, comment on your tendency to try and twist your words and make them sound better.  I don’t “twist” my words. I’ve been trying out a Ukrainian accent. And as for my comments about the insignificance of women, that was in reference to one woman in particular… an old lady I first encountered at the welfare office who hit me in the head after she tricked me into thinking she was accepting my apology for robbing her… but really she wasn’t … so I pushed over her wheelchair and ran away … AND  said some insensitive things about women. (Like I mentioned earlier, it was a dark period.)
  18. Eighty-five percent of all statistics are false. Your thoughts?  That statement is fifty percent accurate one hundred percent of the time.
  19. I’m thinking of a number right now. What is it?  Trick question: I don’t know any numbers. Do you ever have a dream (nightmare) that you are being chased by the number 17 … well a whole squadron of number 17’s? It is terrifying. You’re lucky you don’t know numbers. I guarantee you sleep better because of it.
  20. You once said you “didn’t need to be liked by everyone, but that it was more that you really, really, really wanted to be liked, almost obsessively so”.  Tell us more about that. I’ve made peace with the idea that maybe someone out there doesn’t (gulp holding back tears) like me. I’ve kinda (single tear streams down face) moved past it. I mean it’s okay if …(tears stream down face) if people don’t (giant sniff holding back tear stained mucus) …like me. (Full on power sobbing) I just don’t understand it. (on the floor in fetal position sobbing between every syllable) …Why … don’t … people … like … me? … (five minutes of indiscernible wailing fades into a whimper and eventually a catatonic state… still in the fetal position … staring blankly into the concrete block wall … for hours.)