*title written in whispers*

January 23rd will mark the very first meeting of Heritage High School’s innovative ASMR club, hosted by former teacher Dr. Ingle through Skype. That meeting will be held in the fourth conference room, the ideal hangout spot, the “pinnacle of silence” as described by student (and future member) Makaela Patten. Further meeting dates and locations will be written in invisible ink on a random stall in a different bathroom each week, and it’s up to the club members to discover it.

Food and drinks will be served, including bananas, Coke Zero™, sushi, and scones. One absolute genius, Jacob or whatever, is reportedly planning on bringing plates, or possibly napkins, depending on whether he remembers to go to Walmart or not. Sources suggest that Jacob may not be able to because he has basketball practice most days, and he’s always really tired afterwards, so he needs a few hours to wind down and scroll through Instagram before bed. Chips are welcome as well, so long as you bring enough for everyone.

Attendees are required to contribute at least two minutes and eight seconds of good speech, and it’s important to remember that anything above a whisper will result in the club picking you up and placing you outside immediately. Other ASMR possibilities have been floated: activities like tapping pencils, sucking honeycombs, and scratching cat-scratcher poles. “I have a cat,” Mr. Peace said, unprompted.

Soap cutting is also a possibility but will not be available initially, due to the county policies regarding knives. A plastic knife “might work,” according to Dr. Ingle, who was whittling his own soap during the interview, but the school has remained adamant that no real knives are to be brought in to school. A petition was started to remove the rules regarding weapons entirely so that students could bring actual utensils fit for soap. At the time of writing, the petition has received 15,000 signatures.

When asked to speak on why he decided to start the club, Dr. Ingle stated, “Well I realized—” before our internet connection wavered, and he cut out for a few seconds. He later asked, “Sorry, did you get that?” but we declined to answer because he was the one being interviewed, not us.