Inebriated Man Bombards Innocent Young Worker

by Kaya Bradford

At the CHI Memorial Stadium, work turned into a nightmare for an innocent worker just trying to do her job. Kaya Bradford was a youthful new hire at the CHI Memorial Stadium. People describe her as “awesome” and “the coolest person they’ve ever met.” To everyone’s shock, an agitated man in a drunken haze appeared onto the stadium grounds and hounded the new hire. Kaya was working ticketing at the front gates with a sense of determination when the customer approached her with a loud and demanding voice, swarming the juvenile with questions about “Scanning an I.D.” The girl tried desperately to calm the delirious man and explain how ticketing vs. I.D check worked, and where the male needed to go, but the frenzied individual continued with his roaring words. What made this position worse on the junior employee was the fact that this was her first day. After Kaya braved the intense wave of fury escaping the villainous shell of a man, he stomped away. The crowd that had gathered around the horrendous scene went insane. 

Kaya described the entire situation as  “genuinely one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.” She also added, “I was terrified. I saw my life flash before my eyes when he approached me. I thought I was going to die.” When asked what she learned from this experience, she said “If I could teach the public one thing, it would be to listen to us when we tell you that isn’t our job. If you don’t listen, we can’t help you.” Despite the grueling experience, the girl was able to finish her shift in its entirety.

Teenager Loses Peanut Butter Jar Lid Underneath Oven 

By Emmah Carpenter

One day during the summer of 2023, at an unspecified time, a teenage girl named Emmah Carpenter reported having dropped a peanut butter jar lid underneath her stove in her house. 

“I just wanted a sandwich, so I went to the kitchen to fix up the most stunning peanut butter sandwich I ever saw,” Emmah said. “I never thought something like this would happen to me; you see it on the news but never expect it to happen to you too.” Emmah claimed that when she went to the kitchen, she grabbed the peanut butter and bread and put it on the counter right beside the oven. The unaware teenager opened the peanut butter and set the lid at the end of the counter. “I realized I had forgotten a butter knife to spread the peanut butter,” she said. And that is when tragedy broke out, something no one would have ever expected.

When Emmah walked away from the sandwich, the lid to the peanut butter fell off the counter and landed right beside the oven. “When I got the knife, I quickly went to get the lid, but I was moving too fast.” Emmah said that she accidently kicked the lid, causing the lid to slide underneath the oven. The girl panicked, hoping she could reach the lid. “When I reached for it, it was too far under.” The lid was, in fact, stuck! She would never be able to get the lid and put it back on the peanut butter that sat on the counter. “I didn’t know what to do, so I called my mother,” she said. When the girl’s mother answered the phone, Emmah explained what had happened to her. “Its not that deep; we’ll get it,” Emmah’s mother explained. The girl explained that it was indeed that deep and that she needed to cover the peanut butter lid.

“My mother said she would be home in 15 minutes,” Emmah said.  Once Emmah’s mother returned home, the girl was still panicking. Her mother placed a hand on her shoulder and told her, “It really isn’t that deep.” The youthful person’s mother grabbed the broom and put it underneath the oven, easily pushing the lid out from under the oven. Emmah quickly grabbed the lid and rushed to the bathroom to clean it. Once cleaned, she returned to the kitchen and placed it on the jar and twisting it tightly onto the jar. The teenager had done it! “I was just glad I would be able to make another sandwich,” Emmah said. Emmah returned the sandwich bread and peanut butter to their original spot and ate her beautiful peanut butter sandwich while heading off to her room. Emmah now knows to be more careful to not to put things too close to the edge of the counter. 

Southern Juvenile “Traumatized” by the Quality of Floridian Sweet Tea

by Spencer Cordle

Spencer Cordle, a local high schooler, shocked media outlets with a “horrifying” story of low-quality sweet tea down in Florida, sending many tourists and residents alike into widespread panic.

This past June, local teenager Spencer Cordle visited Florida with the family. He was accompanied by his siblings, mother, and cousin, who were all ecstatic to be visiting the state. After a lengthy car ride and a trip to their hotel, they decided to make a venture for food and drinks. They traveled to a local restaurant and impatiently awaited their food. Spencer ordered sweet tea and BBQ wings. He said, “I was so hungry. I could not wait for that sweet, sweet tea and those yummy wings.” He had been drinking sweet tea his whole life and had an immense appreciation for it, as well as a great deal of pride in the Southern staple. He also stated that he “can not stand poorly made sweet tea. It enrages me.”

Eventually, they received their food, and when Spencer took the first sip of his sweet tea, he immediately knew something was up. He reported that it was disgusting, not tasting like proper sweet tea at all. However, he still needed something to drink, so he reluctantly drank it alongside his meal. Unfortunately for him, the horror didn’t stop there. Later that very day they went out for dinner, and he made the mistake of ordering sweet tea again. “I really thought it would be better that time, that it was just the one place,” he said. He announced that the tea at this establishment was worse than that of the previous one. He didn’t recover from these occurrences, telling anyone who would listen about the horrid quality of the beverages. “It was kind of annoying, but I felt bad so I let him keep talking,” his mother said when asked about the incident.

The next morning, just before they left to return home, they stopped by Waffle House, another Southern staple and a lifelong love of Spencer’s. He reported being extremely excited, having loved Waffle House his whole life but only being able to have it on occasion. “I was so excited, I was practically flappin’ in my flops!” he said. When he received his food (a waffle with a side of hashbrowns and chili if you were wondering) he was “jumping for joy.” However, the delight was quickly extinguished when he took a sip of the tea he had foolishly ordered and realized it was just as disgusting as the drinks from the previous restaurants. He said this about the overall experience: “I have yet to recover. I have nightmares about the dirt-flavored water with salt in it every single night. I haven’t slept properly in months.” His family assisted him in the healing process but he has reported zero progress. His mother said, “I’ve been making him sweet tea the right way since the event, but he’s still perturbed and offended because of the disrespect we experienced.”

Teenage Girl Almost Burned Alive Due To Sabotaged Camping Trip 

by Aubrey Fitzpatrick

On May 23rd, 2023, around 3:45 am, teenager Aubrey Fitzpatrick experienced a near-death experience on a fiery, family camping trip due to a broken lantern.

Aubrey, her older brother Cole, and her father Chris went on a family camping trip in the middle of Alabama this past summer. Nobody expected this “blazing surprise.” “Waking up, I realized I was abandoned, alone in a dark camper,” Aubrey said. “I knew something was off.” After she frantically looked around and tried getting on her phone to call her Dad, she soon realized the battery was only at 3%, and there was no service. She thought this was the end, but after hearing distant footsteps she cried out for help.

Aubrey’s brother Cole was outside wandering around, but after hearing Aubrey’s yell for help he bolted to the camper, seeing the shattered glass from the recently lit lantern all over the ground, then seeing the fire on the side of the camper spreading rapidly. Cole was in a panic, throwing the door open. He saw his little sister sitting in the dark, alone. “Not seeing my Dad anywhere and my sisters sitting alone, helpless, made me uneasy,” Cole said.

He grabbed his sister and quickly carried her out of the burning camper. As he was passing the side of the camper, he quickly realized the fire had doubled in size. Cole learned that the huge fire started from the flame from broken lantern spreading to the wooden beam on the side of the camper. “After seeing the huge fire spreading into my camper I realized that could have been the end,” Aubrey said. After the near-death experience of a camping trip, Aubrey realized how thankful she was for her older brother, Cole. And she was also very relieved that she didn’t burn to death her first time camping.

Dolly Parton Saves a Terrified Boy from Swarm of Wasps and a Cactus 

by Ian Grant

Two days ago in Summerville, Georgia, fourteen-year-old Ian Grant almost died after being stung by a wasp. It was around one in the afternoon when Ian’s mother gave him the very hard task of planting a rare one of twenty Dolly Parton cactus seeds, and the boy was very nervous. When about to start planting, he stated in his interview that a storm of wasps attacked him in his backyard! “I was getting the dirt ready; I was sweating tons off of my eyebrows. I was very scared, and I knew the wasps were evil, and that Dolly would be disappointed.” As the boy tried to escape the potential crime scene, he fell into the cactus! “When I fell into the cactus, I felt the needles poke deep into my skin, “he said. “I didn’t have to look, I knew I was pouring blood. I heard the wasps getting closer, about to invade my personal space bubble. I felt sting after sting, and I felt the swelling forming like a balloon around my left ankle.” Grant also claimed that he knew everything was over, and, without hope, the traumatized fourteen-year-old decided to take a nap. 

Nearly two hours after the fatal cactus attack, Grant woke up. To his amazement, he claimed that Dolly Parton was “standing on my roof, with a sword.” The boy also stated, “She jumped down from the roof and to my rescue. She killed every single bee with her sword. When she finally got to me, she aggressively pulled the relentless cactus away from my flesh.” Finally, Dolly stated, “When I saved the young boy, I told him I knew he couldn’t do it, that I had the Dolly Senses that something was wrong.” The mother of the stunned young boy said, “I never thought anyone would have such a hard time planting a cactus, and why did he take a nap?”